Pains from the Past [Emma / Killian]

I'm not just a Savior

Emma just sat there in the dark of the night as her mind replayed the events over and over as if the record player had broken. It seemed not even the quiet of the ocean was drowning her thoughts out this evening. At the very least her tears had died down after what seemed like the longest time. She didn't often allow herself to cry, but when she did it was like a dam had burst and would only stop when she was through. It just wasn't in her nature to allow herself to cry because it was a weakness and she didn't need anyone knowing what had happened. Or at least she had no thoughts to speak of anything this night. She shut her eyes against the chilly evening, but the jacket kept her warm. The wind blowing her hair around so that it just hid her face as though the darkness didn't already conceal her pain. She sat there in utter sadness as she tried to figure out just how she planned on dealing with this. At the very least, she knew she couldn't afford to give Regina any reason to suspect she had been hurt by the deception. That woman was becoming a real thorn in Emma's side as the time progressed and seeing just how she really worked.

Using deception and the fear instilled in the townsfolk to get what she wanted. It was people like her that made Emma angry because they treated everyone like little pawns without feelings. She sighed heavily trying to get a grip on herself and thus avoid getting herself into a mood. Lowering her head she sighed heavily trying to get some peace of mind, but it seemed impossible. At the very least there would be very little sleep at this stage. So she felt it best just to stay there, the pain in her heart a constant reminder of what happened when she let herself hope. Well, no matter because she could easily guard herself against Graham and anyone else. It wasn't like she even really needed a man in her life as she leaned against the bench ignoring her surroundings for some time. She merely just stared at her hands knowing she was going to have to face him tomorrow. Probably attempt to win her over, but she wouldn't allow him to do so. She needed time to step away from what was there in front of her and well she was a bit worried about Henry.

It was the sense of someone watching her that registered first before the sound of footsteps approaching. She groaned irritably thinking that it was probably Graham attempting to apologize again. How he had managed to already catch up to her was beyond her, but she wanted nothing to do with him. She was upset enough as it was and the tear stains were still evident even if it was dark out this night with the moon hiding behind the clouds. Almost rather spooky being down her alone , but it at least gave her somewhere quiet to be.

"Graham, I'm not interested in your attempts at apo-," started Emma as she slowly raised her head up to see that it wasn't who she had initially thought.

In fact, the man coming towards her was a welcomed sight as she caught Killian coming towards her wearing the jacket she had given him and some of the new clothes. She sighed contently regretting that she had nearly yelled at him despite the fact that he had done nothing wrong. She should have known that he would down here, but she had assumed he may have been down below deck sleeping. After all it was kind of late for a night stroll down to the water, but it had seemed justified to her at the current moment. She knew she was probably a mess, her voice most likely betraying her as to how she was feeling.

"Sorry, Killian. To what do I owe the pleasure of your company," asked Emma trying to wipe a few errant tears from her face. The last thing she wanted was to have anyone find her at her worst. A lie she kept telling herself, but after tonight it was much easier to fall back into what she was use to. Not exactly hard when you've recently just had your heart break in two because of someone you might have considering falling for sneaking away from another's house.

that's only half of who I am.

I'm not just a Savior

Alright. So she wasn't doing the best at hiding the fact that something had clearly upset her that night. If she hadn't just been crying it would certainly have been much easier not really looking at Killian. Much as she had enjoyed the few times they had spoken together, she really wished he'd left her alone. At least that's what she wanted to think she needed as she stared at her hands debating what to say to him. A part of her really wanted to let him in, but another just wanted him to turn and head back to his ship. Besides, she didn't want another thing to do with a guy at this particular moment after things with Neal and now with Graham. She really was beginning to feel like maybe it had something to do with herself. How she figured that was beyond her really looking back out to the water. It would have been a nice night for a jog if she hadn't had it ruined by the fact of what Regina and Graham did without her knowledge. Thankfully, she had managed to find out before she'd even attempted to go anywhere with him in terms of a relationship.

She turned though when he came closer appearing to have the exact same question on his lips. That surprised her considering she didn't think it mattered to him at all what she did. Sure, she may have helped him out by getting him clothes, and a sort of weekly allowance to get him by with food and necessities. She hardly considered it something where he had to return the offer of anything even friendship. She sighed heavily as she kicked out at an offensive rock finding her emotions were all over the place between anger, disgust and mostly hurt. That she had even thought for one moment that there could have been anything between them. No, this wasn't why she had done what she did at all. She knew he needed some help and she had only been kind enough to offer and show him some simple kindness. That was it and she certainly didn't expect him returning the favour or feeling like he even owed her anything at all. She tried to push those thoughts away as he came to stand in front of her even if she really didn't understand his reasoning for such a thing. She sighed gently running a hand through her hair trying to decide what to say to the man in front of her.

"I come out here often to stare out at the water. You just don't notice me," replied Emma sarcastically trying to ignore the feelings of hurt rising up inside of her.

Of course, he didn't beat around the bush when it came to emotions and why should he? She was much the same way herself, even occasionally being hard on her own person. She just didn't see the need to tread carefully in some instances though for once she almost wished he might have. She sighed gently turning when he asked her the one question she really hoped he wouldn't at that moment. She knew it was a fair enough question given the state she appeared to be in with the sniffling and the wiping of tears he probably couldn't see. Was she okay? She liked to believe she could lie enough to make it believable, but she'd never liked the idea of lying. Though she wished she had something to drown out the thoughts running rapid in her head. Now that was an almost pleasant thought as the hair whipped around her face.

"Does it matter? I didn't think you particularly cared for such trivial things," mused Emma, feeling like a headache was starting to form at the front of her mind.

She really wasn't trying to be rude to him, but at the same time she didn't know why he was bothering. He clearly had his reasons and they were most likely nothing good. Which meant that she was probably going to end up with a whole lot of conflict if he even bothered to carry out what he had planned. Wasn't like he was thinking of sharing his life story with her. She sighed heavily just thinking about Graham making the tears start to build up again. As if she hadn't just already cried more than enough on her way to this spot. If he planned on giving her crap for bothering him than she wasn't about to ruin his parade. Even if he had been the one to come over to her in the first place.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to appear ungrateful," replied Emma sighing heavily as the cold night air allowed her breath to become visible for a brief moment. She could feel herself starting to deflate in her anger making way for the pain and other emotions battling in herself as she looked at her hands. Realistically she should have punched Graham in the face, but she knew better than to pick a fight. She could just feel her revolution at the thought of Henry unaware of the situation, almost wishing she could get him out of that mess. It was enough to make her sick as her arms wrapped around herself whether to protect herself or due to the cold it was hard to tell.

that's only half of who I am.

I'm not just a Savior

She honestly was a bit surprised that he was still standing there instead of just returning to his ship. She wouldn't have really blamed him for it since they weren't exactly friends. Sure, she wouldn't have minded a friendship with the Pirate Captain, but she wasn't forcing it on him. Besides, she was unsure whether she even wanted any more ties to the community of Storybrooke. After all, she wasn't even sure if she really was planning to make this place her home. She was just staying to make sure Henry was alright and right now he seemed very trouble. Once he seemed more put back together, she would probably take Regina's advice and leave. Back to what she was used to in Boston, tracking down criminals and living on her own. 'Yes, because that's worked out so well before,' reasoned a voice inside her head she tried to push away. She sighed contently raising an eyebrow when Killian commented on her attempt at sarcasm. She could have almost laughed at that comment if she wasn't already upset over her own depressing thoughts.

"Thank you, I try my best. It's part of my charm," muttered Emma, once more even if she knew it was just a mask she wore to keep people away from her.

She didn't like being distant and cold, but she just as much didn't like the idea of her heart getting broken again. She'd already had enough disappointment in her life to last a lifetime. Any more would just be adding salt to old wounds and so she merely reverted to what she was good at. Pushing people subtly out of her life even though she had nothing exactly against Killian. Then again it was mostly just an attempt to avoid the question he had asked her. Not unless she wanted to be completely honest and explain what had happened back there. Why she was choosing to spend this night outside alone in the cold and not home or out among the crowds. Truthfully it had never really been her scene and well she was hurting. And so she'd gone to a place that she thought she would be alone and thus allowed to release the pain. She hadn't known that Killian would suddenly choose to join her out here despite his ship by the docks. She sighed contently as the cold night air blew through her hair turning when the pirate surprised her by pointing out that she had helped him out.

"Doesn't dictate that you have to come out here. I'm sure you've got better things to do," commented Emma, running a hand through her hair and attempting to push it away from her face.

It was times like these, where she debated trimming her hair a bit, but she honestly couldn't be bothered. Luckily, she always had a hair elastic on hand for such situations such as this. Rummaging through her pockets, she located one and started gathering her hair together so she could tie it into a messy bun. It took some time, but she managed to get it together even if a few stubborn strands fell to frame her hair. It was good enough at least though as the wind sailed over her, but the cold didn't quite seem to register even if she was probably cold to the touch. She turned though just as Kilian mentioned that normally people didn't generally like being around pirates.

"Pirates don't seem so bad to me. Besides, I didn't mean it like that," objected Emma wondering why she cared so much as to the fact she may have hurt his feelings.

Sure, she was a loving and caring person, but even still she didn't normally go out of her way to make people feel better. Especially when she was in a fit of upset or pain as she usually was in a bad state of mind. 'You care about him,' thought a tiny voice, but she quickly squashed that very thought down. That had nothing to do with this as her arms came to wrap around herself knowing if she wasn't careful she would probably start crying again. It wasn't hard to see that she was the type of girl that wore her heart on her sleeves even if she liked to think she could keep people back. She was only human after all and when pushed to her limits she would eventually break down much like she already had. Her life was really just disappointment over disappointment which was really beginning to wear down on the young woman. Even going so far as to draw her legs up to her chest like she used to do when she was a little kid, listening to the waves. She was pulled from her thoughts though when Killian asked her a question gesturing to the bench she was currently occupying.

"If you want," replied Emma, slowly shifted over so that she was no longer taking up the whole bench. Sure, she wasn't that large a person, but she still had taken up a good chunk of it. She knew it was probably tiring having to stand there, even if she didn't exactly know why he was making the effort to check on her. She closed her eyes feeling a few regrettable tears slid down her face despite telling herself she needed to be strong. That she wasn't to show weakness at this moment in time.

that's only half of who I am.

I'm not just a Savior

Emma knew she was being rude to an otherwise lovely young man even if she didn't really know him all that much. She knew it was partially due to her being in so much emotional pain. The other part was simply that she didn't want to get close to him or anyone that would just set her up to get hurt. Henry was different because well, he'd already gotten to her by the fact she was her son and that meant everything to her. He was her everything at this point and pretty much the only family she had, but with Killian it was different. He was a good man from what she had seen, but that was just asking for trouble. Not after tonight considering what had gone down outside of Regina's house. How she truly hated that woman and well Graham at this point for lying to her, cheating her and basically making Emma feel like an idiot. Not to mention, she had no idea how to feel about the fact that Henry lay asleep each night without any thoughts to any of this. Assuming he ever slept making her wonder if she should consider asking Archie about this. She knew the man couldn't say much, but he could maybe enlighten her as to what she could be doing about the situation at hand.

Still there was a big difference between pushing people away and simply being rude for the fact she was hurting. Normally, she was in a much better mood, but tonight it seemed would be different. Tonight she had been hurt by Graham and that tugged at her heartstrings more than she liked to admit. Maybe she shouldn't have gone out here in the first place, but she thought Killian may have already been asleep. So she would have had full advantage of being in pain and alone. Apparently she was wrong this night as she looked out at the water. How she wished she could just erase all these bad memories from her mind from the child abuse when she was young to the Neal situation and then even to Graham. True, it was because of Neal that she even had Henry, but that still didn't excuse him of anything he'd done. She didn't even want to think about what would happen if she met up with him again, knowing that to Henry his father was dead. At least that was what she had allowed him to believe never dreaming that he'd actually come into contact with Neal again. Which was exactly the way she wanted it to be for as long as possible.

She sighed gently when he decided to throw back his own sarcasm at her knowing she pretty much deserved it. After all, she was being a bit of an ungrateful woman when he was just trying to be nice. After all, he could have gone to bed or left her standing there by herself instead of coming out here and trying to be there. She really wished she had something to drink despite the fact she wasn't normally that much of a drinker. Still every now and again she almost felt the need to do so just to ensure that she was numb to the pain she was feeling. How could she have been so stupid to think she had a chance with Graham? It was positively ridiculous to think anyone could quite possibly want her in that way. Let alone that she would even want that very kind of connection with another. She ran a hand through the strands of her hair that weren't caught up in the elastic as the wind blew across her as she stared out at the darkness.

"Perhaps, but if they're like you, I'm not at all worried," replied Emma as she played with the sleeve of her shirt, trying her best not to cry over this.

After all, she couldn't afford to let Graham know just how much she was affected by all of this. She turned when she heard her phone going off noting that it was Graham's number. In her anger she tossed her phone in the dirt wishing she could crush it instead, but knowing it was just her hurt emotions talking. She wasn't even aware of the tears sliding down her face at first until they started to come more frequent. She may have thought her crying was over, but it seemed as though it were only the beginning of such a thing. She tried to fight them, but the pain it seemed wasn't going to let her object to this healing process as she felt Killian take a seat beside her. Hearing his voice as he asked her such a simple question made her still just a little bit. She had one of two choice at this point as to whether she lied or told him the truth. Instead, she simply shook her head to emphasize that she wasn't okay as she drew into herself.

She just didn't know what to say on the subject as tears continued to fall down her face despite already have done so much. She was miserable and she couldn't even begin to know how to feel. Whether it was disgust, hatred, sadness, anger it all seemed to fight to be in control of her. At the forefront was the fact that she was in pain, her heart on her sleeves by this point as she allowed herself to cry. Even with the knowledge that she was supposed to be throwing up her guards. It was the way things always been for Emma and now it was all gone to pieces.

"I'm such an idiot. I should have seen this coming," replied Emma bitterly as she dug her nails into the palm of her hands. She should have known that Graham was a taken guy. Yet, here he'd been playing up to her and making her think she even stood a chance with that man. That for one brief second she could have entertained that notion of being someone's girl. Now all she felt was just utter misery as she cried out for what she had done to herself.

that's only half of who I am.

I'm not just a Savior

Emma could feel the pain in her palms become too much which was the only reason she knew she'd done that in the first place. Slowly uncurling her hands as she looked at her phone from where she had thrown it in her frustration. She really wished that Graham would have at least given her day. No, he had the need to add salt to her wounds as she sat there on the bench wondering why in the world Killian was still doing here. Luckily her jacket was keeping the cold out of her body as best as possible, not that she really cared at that moment. Even if she hadn't been wearing her jacket she probably wouldn't have cared as she sat there, tears still sliding down her face. She really was trying to put a hold on them for her own sake now that she was no longer alone in her thoughts. Yet, it appeared as though she wasn't going to be able to contain the dam that had already started to crumble under the pain. Even if Killian wasn't doing much except perhaps talking to her, it actually made quite the difference to the young woman as she sat there. Perhaps the most that someone had done for her in the longest time. Wasn't like she had many friends to come to and so even the presence of an acquaintance was surprisingly appreciated.

She could hear Killian speaking again, but she didn't really turn her attention towards him. She didn't want to see him think poorly of her and well she hated to appear this undone in front of someone. Particularly a man like Killian or really any man in this situation and yet Graham had gotten to her. Luckily he hadn't gotten far in tearing down her walls so it would only be a matter of time before they came back up. They'd be much stronger and a lot more difficult to break down, though, but Emma had spent her life alone and that was what she was comfortable with. Granted Henry was probably the exception of the moment considering how far he'd weaseled into her life. She was perhaps grateful for that little boy though considering how much she had wished to no longer be alone which was really strange for Emma. Yet, she supposed not really as she listened to Killian addressing the fact that he was a different man with different people. That he had no reason to not be unkind to her for the moment considering she had done quite a bit to help him out. Even getting him more modern day clothing and a weekly allowance to get him food when needed should he need it and or anything else. It was the least she could understanding how hard it was when you had no one there for you.

"Well then I'll try not to get in your way then," mused Emma even if it was a half-hearted attempt at a joke knowing she really wasn't in the mood.

She felt foolish that she was letting Graham's lying and deceit get to her in such a way and yet it seemed as though she were unable to help. That she didn't have much of a choice in that situation as the tears continued to stream down her face. She really did try to get a grip on her emotions, but it seemed pointless. Killian had already seen her crying that she couldn't even claim it was nothing no matter how much she'd have wished not. She didn't like it when others saw her cry, but then again she'd always been the type to struggle in silence. Never asking for any help, no matter the situation even as Killian stayed by her side trying to comfort her as a sign of good faith she supposed. She cut out of her thoughts though when the man beside her started talking her, rejecting the idea that she was an idiot. She knew he was trying to reassure her which was a big deal for Emma who'd been alone for as long as she knew. Perhaps he was right that she couldn't have known, but given her background she still felt as though she should have seen the signs.

She merely pulled her arms around herself closer in a sort of self-comforting and self-protecting stance. Trying to pull herself together, but it seemed to have little effect on her. More tears sliding down her face as she listened to him go on to say that she shouldn't allow Graham to have a hold on her. That she shouldn't let him get her all upset, but that was a lot easier said than done at the given time. Then again, she didn't even know what to do about it in the first place and knowing she'd gotten worked up over nothing and yet it hadn't at that moment. Sighing heavily as her heart seemed to break with every minute she thought over the events leading to this conversation. Trying to swipe away at the tears trying to decide if she could even get around to voicing something, but it didn't seem to be happening.

"Just once I had to let myself give into this false hope that someone could like me. I mean he led me to believe he could have liked me and then he goes and sleep with Regina of all people. To make matters worse, they're doing it in the house while my son is sleeping. I just don't know how to deal with that. Not to mention Graham lied to me in the first place," replied Emma feeling her mouth take on a life of its own. Sighing heavily as her body seemed to deflate at the fact she had truly admonished what exactly had happened. Well part of what had happened as she didn't think Killian needed to know the complete details about what went on not a couple hours ago.

that's only half of who I am.